Notes on Antique Textiles, Folk Art & Timeless Traditions – Jaina Mishra
Sometimes I feel like I have done everything there was to do. That there is nothing left to be done anymore that could engage my heart mind and soul for the rest of my life.
I wonder if anything remains that will consume my soul enough to sustain my life. For, I cannot bear the idea of just existing and waiting in boredom for death.
Am at the odd place where I am contemplating giving up many things.
I want to be wrapped up in a layer of nothingness and remain that way – just barely conscious of my life.
Maybe it is Sanyaas I want.
To give up all worldly desires and pleasures. Actually it would not really be much of a ‘giving up’ of desires – it is simply that desires have ceased to arise inside me.
Give up worldly pleasures? Most objects that mean a lot to most people already mean nothing to me … but the simple stuff – will I be able give up the vada-pavs of Bombay and survive on a just a fistful of rice everyday? Will I be able to survive without a mattress and a blanket? Or on 3 sets of clothes? Will I be able to control my desire for conversation? Without books or television? And without the internet and phones? With just my thoughts to keep me company?
I have no desire left to travel. Or to go out seeking adventure. I have no desire to sleep. Or to engage in stimulating experiences. Or to feast.
Maybe it is just a passing moment. Maybe it is just PMS. Or maybe it is some inner longing.
But I do wish to experiment with Sanyas and attempt it in all earnestness. As earnestly as I pursued every passion in my life.
Maybe with this I will be able to still my soul as Krishna tells Arjun to – to control it so that it becomes like the flame of a lamp in a windless room. That stillness is as attractive as it is hard to attain.
Will try it anyway. For a day. For 3 days. For a week. Forever. In one small aspect of life and then another and then another … in small steps.
Until I am at that destination.
Attached to no one. Connected to nothing. Passionate about nothing. No ‘Moh’ and no ‘maya’.
At peace in my world of Sanyaas.
p.s. June 2013 …. obviously I was not successful as I continue t enjoy the hedonistic pleasures of life 🙂